Rotting meat
May 24, 2008 / 2:22 p.m.
I am stricken heavily the whole day and last night with a feeling of intense unfairness.
Yesterday, I was supposed to have stopped by Sarah's house after work in the afternoon, to drop off her stereo, and possibly hang out for a little bit.
This is the person I really love, the person I've been with for the last two and half years... and the person who I haven't spent the night with more than twice in the last two months... and who I can't decide to finally be with or never see again. And who, last night, I wanted to be with so badly it literally hurt my chest laying there... which I guess can't be good for imagining myself being gone from.
We talked beforehand, and she had informed me that her best friend and her were running late to the gym and I should probably be by at closer to four, instead.
Now-- as a sidebar-- I am having an incredibly hard time running my business right now while dealing with not having a car, and trying to get places and work. Unfortunately, until I hire someone, I have to make due by driving around my mom's car in the middle of the day, without her knowledge, and with a copied key that I made a few weeks ago.
Anyway, so when Sarah had informed me to show up later, I knew immediately that it wasn't going to work and I had to go back with the car... otherwise, I would not be able to make it in time to park the car at my mom's house before she got home. And, my ability to support myself would be severely inhibited... I'd be up-shit-creek'd
As lame and semi-infantile as this whole set-up is for someone who is 28 years old, I literally have no other choice, financially, right now... and just have to spend the intermittent time trying to figure out another option.
So, I can't get a hold of her later that day after I was home from work... I write a few text messages, call once, and nothing. And then I realize, after an hour, she's most likely upset... actually enraged, that I dare not show up on the day before her birthday. Regardless of the fact that I haven't seen her in a week, regardless of us taking space, regardless of the awkwardness of not knowing what we each want from minute to minute (or maybe you do)... or anything.
Sarah, you were just going to become enraged... and no amount of explanation that I could have provided to you would have sufficed. Rage rage... rage.
I wrote her again, and again, my heart hurt more. Each message becoming more emotional, exaggerated and sad than the next. Ridiculous
And I imagined how nice it would have been to go over there right then, despite the hour, and lay down next to her... and I thought about how much of a head-fuck, agreed, it all was, taking into consideration all the garbage we've been through together.
The last few months, quite frankly, has been nothing else but the constant process of reparation, literally hours of happiness, and then the inevitable event that crumbles that moment of happiness... and the corresponding repetition of this process, over and over again.
Really, all Sarah and I have done in the last six months has been to just break up, try to imagine being together again, and busting it all up before that thought can even take seed... and then not having any contact for a few weeks, before doing it again.
There was an episode where I had shown up for work and she had hickeys on her neck... and was thrown into the situation of working together that day while they gradually grew darker, and I had to go into other rooms to breath deeply and try to open my eyes wide to keep them dry. Oh god
After that, the process was passive aggressiveness, and then the eventual night spent together where we were so happy it was happening. Literally, after that night, I was so incredibly happy, and it was the right then. And then a tiny lie as we were walking to breakfast and hanging out, to avoid a much bigger argument... and then finding about about my lie... and then the backsliding of the relationship... and the consequent month leading up to last night of nothing at all.
But, last night, it's just what I wanted for some reason, and really badly. So badly that my chest hurt... and I couldn't get to sleep.. The pain of missing you was never this intense before, and I can't even say we aren't doing anything but completely drifting apart and in the process of having nothing in common.
So i laid on the couch watching a movie called 'Wristcutters'... about a group of people who commit suicide and end up in an after-life dimension together... and which was obviously a coincidence... but allowed me to get my mind off it. I finally fell asleep around 5... after dreaming that she had had sex with someone else, and that the person she was fucking had broken his leg and left to the hospital.
Finally, at four, Sarah texted me:
"I'm really tired of these stupid text messages. If you really wanted to see me, you could have taken a bus or walked!"
And I couldn't have. I couldn't have taken a bus with all my work supplies... I just couldn't. I was on the verge of getting fired at the one place I was at, and I had to bring everything and spend double time there.
But I wrote her and she just didn't care. Didn't want to hear it at all.
Was still pissed.
Hated me.
And I cannot do anything. I can't explain away anything, My pleas that I had bought earrings for her and a card to give to her... nothing
All ignored. You're a foolish, idiotic, uncaring person, Lyle.
I really can't win.
And so, another week with no contact again, maybe longer, maybe never anything significant ever again... maybe she has finally decided to never care again. and I didn't do anything wrong, and I can't ever explain to you that I didn't mean to offend you, or to convince you how much I wish we were together and happy right now... not arguing.
Nothing but the right stuff.
Probably never going to happen.