update
April 12, 2008 / 9:54 a.m.
Thank god I decided to go off the Zoloft. waking up this morning to the wonderful weather and feeling like i'm absolutely alive, noticing the birds chirping, the sun shining against the brick of my apartment building, the sounds of the cars driving up and down sandy a block away... everything is so great.
That was probably the single best decision i've made for myself in the last five years. I still remember a year ago, in April, going to cascadia on division... being seen by an intake counselor, not being sick enough to qualify, driving out to some dr's office out by gateway actually in physical pain i was so depressed... and her writing me a prescription.
A year, basically, on that shit. I'm not saying, in any way, that it didn't help me out.
If nothing else it allowed me to be in the headspace to start my own business where i basically work for three hours twice a week and make $1,500 a month, under the table.
But, in every other way, it was the worst thing i could have done with my life... the absolute brain-addling, numbed out existence that ssri's provide is too much.
And that's the simple solution, though, isn't it? They numb you out on the top and the bottom. So, you can function day to day, but you also can't sit in a park and breath in the air and feel alive... or seeing a great movie like There Will be Blood and have that feeling walking out of being supremely alive.
Either way, I still feel the lingering effects. If i was a boxer, it would be the a few days after the fight and I would be sitting somewhere with a headache, picking at the scab i got over my eyebrow or something.
Life goes on.
I think i'm gonna spend next week working, and starting the process of becoming a cab driver. I have enough free time that i could do it on my spare time... and it would be a great inspiration for writing...
Right now i'm just happy with the small business thing, cab driving part-time, and writing...
There are people who have worse work situations than that.