depression turns into sickness
January 04, 2007 / 11:30 p.m.
Today started off with a cup of coffee and went downhill quickly. I was sure what it was, all of a sudden, was that i was depressed, terminally, terminally depressed. It was the most painful, visceral depth i've been to in quite a while, and it was so sudden, blinding.
I was on the phone within a few minutes to various low income clincs around portland, getting the run around, getting nowhere at all. when all i really needed-- i told myself-- was just to see a doctor for two fucking minutes so that they could write me a prescription, get on with their day, and i could run off to walmart where i've heard they now sell all generic drugs for literally $4.
was that really too much a question to ask?
It was all so pathetic, really. That's all that was playing in my head.
i couldn't bring myself to stay on the phone long enough to actually get somewhere.
i finished the round of calling telling myself i would check out going to Outside In tomorrow, along with some various other leads. and in the mean-time, i would just wait it out, feel the pain and live with it for a short while. god knows i've lived with it in the past without any sort of action at all for more than a short while.
My mom had called in between all this panicky phone work, and had invited me over to her place for dinner. I hadn't seen her alone for over two months.
So i said yes, and sat at around 6 o'clock on NE 9th avenue in the cold car, listening to sports radio and staring across the street at her dark apartment waiting for her to come home so i could come in and have something to eat and a little company.
As we began to hang out, though, and ate, i started to feel ill, my body started to become weighed down. And i figured, since the horrible depression earlier in the day had come out, than logic works out that it must not have been that, but must have just been some type of bug that was manifesting itself in a way that i could only articulate and feel in a real way now.
So i sat down, sick but relieved incredibly, and i ate, and we watched tv and talked to each other while looking at the TV screen, and i drove home and sarah was playing with her neice and nephew as i walked into the house.
The left soon, with their dad, and i grabbed our kitten theo and picked him up and kissed him and sat down.