another day, not as bad as most lately
January 02, 2007 / 1:53 a.m.
it's two in the morning. i have to be in the chemotherapy room at providence with sarah in 7 hours. what am i doing?
it's the coffee, i have no doubt. i've started drinking it again, due to one very unfortunate purchase born out of impulse and lack of willpower. And did i mention it made me really happy?
it's uncanny. one moment, this morning in particular, i'll be sitting there depressed, hopeless basically, and then the next minute i'm pouring a cup of coffee and i, all of a sudden, can't stand how good i feel. i don't know, anything to take the edge off, anything to smear reality over a decidedly more sharp, and less fuzzy, plane.
hair has finally started to really come out, finding itself in your mouth when you wake up, on the sheets, in the shower, etc.
we were walking around mt. tabor yesterday, and i said to sarah, 'you know, you're gonna take this the wrong way, but it's getting cold out, and you have a bald spot in the back of your head, and you have cancer... you should wear a hat whenever you go out... you know, cuz you could get really sick, it would be so easy'
and sarah suddenly walked to the side and crumpled standing up over some concrete that lined the reservoir, kicked her shoes against the base, and started crying softly, saying she was just tired.
a few seconds later, as we were walking again, around the reservoir, she admitted it was because she didn't know she had a bald spot now; how could she really?
and basically i probably should have just kept it to myself.
the arguments, the yelling, always starts over something so incredibly stupid like this, and you would say that, but just pointing out that the argument started out over something stupid would then become the argument in and of itself.
maybe this year will be better than the last?
new years this year was so much less eventful and painful.
namely, unlike last year, this year i didn't wake up on my best friend's kitchen floor with the worst hangover imaginable and with a tooth missing and dried blood all over my mouth and upper lip, in a pair of pants i had never seen before.
i realized this all right as she came home from an all night party to tell me i had, in fact, face-planted onto her floor shortly after midnight sending my upper front tooth skipping across the lineoleum, while i pathetically puked all over myself unconsciously in front of everybody.
and then when this was over, being dragged to her bathroom by her boyfriend at the time and placed in the shower, and having my hair washed by him, and put into a pair of paint stained sweat pants that were sitting around her house, and thrown on the floor with a thin blanket for the rest of the night.
instead, i woke up with all my teeth this year, and little black hairs in my teeth running away from cancer.