lyle is lyle
May 27, 2005 / 5:36 p.m.
Oh what to do about bad days. What to do about the heat, the pervasive sense of abandonment, and the feeling that everything is moving away from you at a speed that you wish you could control but equally know you can't.
Why is it that the feeling in life that you should just let things be that you can't control and to move on to things you can always seems like such a good idea, but such an impossible idea in the end, to where you might as well not even care to think about the possibility of not caring.
Because you always will. You always always will. And the people and things that are hurtful, neglectful, confusing will always matter eminently and impossibly more than the things that are secret and tucked away and quiet and nice.
The first of those two things, the people, the problems, will always turn their volume up louder, will ALWAYS put that shit in your face, kick you in the shins, and you will always come out the worse for wear. Or maybe you just think you're coming out the worst, when in reality you're coming out a better person because you care and want the apathy, the insensitivity, the bad luck, the intentionally fucked up to stop, for things to be right, fair.
As opposed to just not caring, or wanting that fucking shit to be, so that you can feel your power over someone when they're rejected or raw or needing or vulnerable and at the whim of your fancy.
I guess i'm just saying i'm fucking tired as fuck of the bullshit aspect of life. And as always i tell myself i'm not gonna deal with it anymore. And as always i have in the back of my mind the fact that i know i have to. That there's no other way. That i'd be that person who doesn't care about fairness or unfairness if i didn't recognize it and know instantaneously which one was worth shooting for with everything you do in life.
People who have good hearts matter so much.